Rings are strange symbols, don’t you think? We can wear them casually, but it’s hard to get away from what they can ultimately mean.
The Christmas before I broke up with my highschool boyfriend (for the second time *sigh*), he asked me what I wanted, and Bride-to-Be (at the time) had a clauda (sp?) ring and I wanted one too. A silver one.
Clauda rings are Irish wedding bands, if you don’t know; and depending on how they’re worn, they can signify the status of one’s relationship. Being of Celtic decent myself, I liked that idea somehow.
I asked and he delivered- at Christmas he gave me a clauda ring. It was beautiful, but big. Really big. It was a long time later before I clued in to what should have been obvious- it was a man’s ring. He said I could get it resized, but my fingers are so small there wouldn’t have been much left to the ring, so I wore it on a chain. It wasn’t really his fault- he was only 16 and didn’t know much about jewellery.
I broke up with him the following February when I met Ex, but I kept the ring for years, not really knowing what to do with it. Finally, I gave it to one of my male friends. It fit his finger perfectly.
The first Valentine’s day that I lived with my Ex in our first apartment, he gave me a ring. Gosh it was lovely but ugly at the same time- lovely as an object, but ugly as a ring. It had two garnet hearts on the sides, and on big one in the middle, surrounded by real diamonds. He had tied it to my yearly box of Godiva chocolates, and before I had a chance to jump to conclusions, he cut in that it was a ‘promise ring’. Someday, blah blah blah. His father had found it actually, and never found the owner, so he gave to Ex to give it to me, who got it cleaned and appraised. Worth about $500.
This ring was also big. So I put it on a chain and wore it off and on for several years.
Near the end of our relationship, this ring went missing and I didn’t even notice. It went missing because he took it, and kept it in his wallet. He had gone well past his own deadline for proposing to me, and had kept it on his person to remind himself (torture himself really) of this thing that he couldn’t seem to do.
Monthes later, he bought another one. An actual engagment ring.
However, by that point, I was done waiting. I was done with a lot of things between him and I, and even though he had carried THAT ring around for something like a month, he didn’t pull himself together in time. I never saw that ring.
Why did I do it? I often ask myself. I was angry. Because he had a real problem with comfort zones, and initiative. I had watched him postpone and avoid many things in his life, and I didn’t like being one of those things. I see a lot of myself in him- avoidance. And that drives me crazy. I’ve always tried very hard to change myself. So I made the ultimate change, I guess.
When I think of rings, I can’t help but feel guilty- for my highschool ex, my current Ex, and I suppose they’ve become this reminder of how I run from certain situations.
I hope that someday that will change. When I think of my current BF, it seems to be a possibility.
